BEER & WORLD HISTORY

The division of the human family into its two distinct political
branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, when humans coexisted as
members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

The pivotal event of societal evolution was the invention of beer. This
epochal event was both the foundation of modern civilization and the
occasion of the bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so it was necessary to stick close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed.

Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative
movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing
the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
liberal movement. An interesting evolutionary side note: some of these
early liberal men eventually evolved into women.

Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade
union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of
democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the
conservatives provided.

Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers
in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also
bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, pilots, police
officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone
who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept
in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get
MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.
 

BEERISMS

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they

 might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer 

and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Babe Ruth

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, 

that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -- Lyndon B. Johnson

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Paul Hornung

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. -- H. L. Mencken

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, 

we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- George Bernard Shaw

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that 

the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.! -- W. C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. -- Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can! -- Leo Durocher

THE BUFFALO THEORY

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.

 And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. 

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of 

the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.  In much the same 

way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, 

as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this 

way, regular  consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more

 efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

10 THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

  1.   Stairmaster
  2.   Make a few edits to tomorrow's presentation.
  3.   Get within dialing distance of a phone when you're armed with your little black book of all your ex's numbers.
  4.   Allow photos of any sort to be taken of you.  They will end up on the Internet.
  5.   Jump onto the bar and show Christinia Aguilera how it's really done.
  6.   Operate heavy machinery, especially karaoke machines.
  7.   E-mail your boss to let him know what you really think about all the no-talent losers you have to work with.
  8.   Adopt anything:  a puppy, a child, a British accent.
  9.   Pick up the remote and check out what's for sale on the cable shopping channels.
10.    Tweeze your eyebrows.

17 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK:
 

  1. It's an incentive to show up.
  2. It leads to more honest communications.
  3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  5. It encourages car pooling.
  6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
  7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  8. It makes fellow employees look better.
  9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
17. Sitting "bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

GRADES OF HANGOVERS

1 star hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.

2 star hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only acerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP.  Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.

3 star hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.

5 star hangover,(*****) aka "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth
from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.

6 star hangover (******) otherwise known as
the "Infinite Nutsmacker"
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning. You try to lift your head. Not an option. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead......that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.  

BEER PERSONALITIES

WOMEN:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the butt.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is, this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

MEN:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

THE DARK SUCKER THEORY

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses fossil fuel to destroy it.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle. This is easily proven for lightbulbs too. When you compress a gas, it gets hot, right? So the light bulb gets hot because of all the dark being squished into the wires.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark  sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. So next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is not a light emitter but a Dark Sucker.

Reality is an illusion caused by the absence of alcohol.

WARNINGS THAT SHOULD BE ON ALCOHOL BOTTLES

 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

 3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

 4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

 5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

 6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

 7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

 8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

 9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, and much more attractive than some really big guy named Bubba.

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.